The Emotional Journey of Sending Your Kid to College
University of Nebraska - Lincoln
How this transition really is a grieving process. And how to process what you’re feeling.
The exciting and simultaneoulsy heartbreaking day has arrived. We’ve moved our daughter out of our home and into her first dorm room at college. My daughter and I are very close. We’ve traveled the world together, and been through a lot as a family. We have a special bond. We are mother and daughter, but we are also friends. From the time she was a little girl, she has always said she wants to be a veterinarian. Over the years I’ve watched her save bunnies and baby kittens, and give medicine to animals. She loves animals and is drawn to them everywhere we go. I am so proud of her for chasing her dreams and staying true to her calling. She is brave, responsible, capable, smart, and ready for the challenge. I have no doubt that she will work hard, make good choices, and achieve her dream. I am confident that I’ve done my part as her parent instilling good values and preparing her for life.
Yet, it doesn’t make her departure any less painful for me as her mom. For this, I actually feel really selfish. I’m allowing myself to feel what I feel, because denying my feelings isn’t the answer either. In the past few days, as friends have asked how I’m feeling I haven’t really had a good answer. It’s a whole lot of contradictory emotions cancelling each other out. Happy, excited, proud, enthused for my daughter. Sad, lonely, worried, and confused for me, ultimately leaving me to just feel numb. Drained. In a bit of a fog or time warp.
And truthfully, I’m tired of well-intentioned people telling me what I should feel. I’ve never sent a kid to college before. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I just know I feel a lot! I’m tired of people saying “You did your job. It’s time to let go. Let her spread her wings.” Blah, blah, blah.
I’ve been thinking about a book I recently read written by my friend Kimberly Isherwood called “Closure: The Lie We Tell Ourselves.” Her book focuses a lot on grief and how we’ve been conditioned as a society to seek “closure” after a significant loss. My favorite quote from her book is “Closure is bullshit.” She also states that “closure has become a manipulative rhetoric…the search for closure is a wild goose chase.”
I started thinking about the parallels in Kim’s book about loss and grief, and realized that’s exactly what this transition is all about. An article from The Cleveland Clinic defines grief as “the experience of coping with loss. Most of us think of grief as happening in the painful period following the death of a loved one. But grief can accompany any event that disrupts or challenges our sense of normalcy for ourselves. This includes the loss of connections that define us.” That’s it! … loss of the connections that define us. While I’m not losing my daughter, I am losing that sense of daily connection that has defined me for 18 years as a mother. The normalcy of my role in being her mom day in and day out has been disrupted. I don’t get to hear her alarm clock go off in the morning, or make her a protein shake for breakfast, or see the smile on her face when she has a funny story to tell me, or intuitively pick up on the nuances that tell me she’s having a rough day and needs a hug. I know she still needs me, but in different ways than the normal day-to-day ways we relied on each other. Our connection is changing because of the geographic distance that now lies between us. However, our connection as mother, daughter, friend won’t change.
If you’re reading this, it’s probably because you can relate and you are also on this journey of sending your child off to college, or camp, or a trip abroad. And I know you are hoping to hear some great wisdom about what you should do to overcome the feelings and get on with your normal day-to-day activities like everyone is telling you to do. I’m sorry to disappoint you and tell you, I don’t have the answers you’re looking for, because I’m in it right there with you. But I will share a few things I’m doing to help myself in this moment.
How Can I Process What I’m Feeling?
Be honest about how you are feeling. That’s what I’m doing right now. I’m being honest. I’m writing down my thoughts and feelings. I’m sharing them with others, without any sugar-coating.
I’m not hiding my feelings from my daughter. This is a bit tricky to write about because I’ve had numerous people tell me not to let my daughter see me sad because then she will be worried. Truthfully, I believe that is a problem for our culture. We are taught to stuff our emotions because they will make others uncomfortable. And while I don’t want my daughter to think I’m so distraught that I can’t function and she needs to run back home to be with me every minute, I want her to know that just like this transition is new and scary for her, it is for me too. After all, someday she may be sending her own child off to college wondering why she is feeling all the feels.
Self-care is really important right now. For me that looks like eating healthy, walks, nature, yoga, and working on things that fuel my passion. I’m not gonna lie, I’ve had a few too many recent nights lately of binge-watching “Sex in the City”, which is really out of the norm for me. However, I also scheduled a massage, therapy session, coffee times with friends, and a date night.
Quality time versus quantity of time. There is a new perspective I’m beginning to grasp about the importance of quality of time versus quantity of time. I heard a statistic recently that surprised and saddened me. It said that by the time your child graduates from high school, you will have spent 90% of the time you’re going to get with them in your lifetime. That was a reminder that time is precious. Therefore, the weekends, holidays and breaks when my daughter is home will be more meaningful. I’m already beginning to think about how to make those moments special and how to create even more priceless memories, like trips we will take and things to do together.
Follow your own dreams. During my binge watching episode last night, I heard this beautiful quote, “The hole never fills. But new life will grow around it. Your job is to do whatever you need to plant some seeds.” Do you have dreams that you’ve put on hold or given up pursuing? I hear women all the time talk about the dreams they once had that often get abandoned for the sake of raising their families. While that is noble and sometimes necessary, it doesn’t mean that you can’t dust off those dreams again or pursue new ones. What better time to pursue your own dreams than the time that your child is out there pursuing theirs.
Finally, I’m reminded that everything in life is temporary. These ackward, confusing emotions that you’re expriencing right now, the same ones I’m experiencing… they won’t last forever. Together we are adjusting to a new “normal”. It’s a transition.
Change is uncomfortable, but it’s also how we grow.
